“CONAN, WHAT IS BEST IN LIFE?”
“Double Whataburger Combination,
Double Cheese,
Double Bacon,
Extra Pickles,
No Onions,
Bun Toasted on Both Sides,
Whatasized,
with a Diet Coke”
(cue Star-Spangled Banner, cranked up to eleven)
I listen to some weird shit sometimes. Lots and lots of metal, with sprinkles of Mozart, Beethoven, Chopin and the worst techno your ears can find. Not much changes that formula. Then I found this — Earth. Go ahead, go listen to some samples. It’s terribly relaxing but also very dark. Awesome stuff.
An Angry Whopper was outside my local Burger King today. It was making a bunch of uncouth remarks towards the ladies and I felt it was my duty to step in and defend their honor. A duel was staged. It’s pepperjack cheese, jalapeños, angry sauce and angry onions versus my teeth. Turns out that the Angry Whopper was all talk, as I was never in doubt that I could contain its flame-broiled rage. Really, maybe Burger King should have marketed as the “Mildly Irritated Whopper.” Then I took the ladies who the Whopper insulted into the Burger King where we spent the next hour eating it’s relatives. The entire Whopper family is in Hell now. The End.
Now go eat an Angry Whopper because it’s actually pretty delicious. Just not very hot.
My vacuum cleaner has a headlight. It’s been burned out since I bought it. Today I spent $2 and bought a new bulb. So now my vacuum cleaner has a headlight. You know… for night vacuuming.
Did you ever notice that this:
is terribly similar to this:
Just a thought.
This 16-second long video demonstrates genetic potential. That kid getting tackled is now doomed to have weak children with soft heads while the one performing the tackle is possibly going to grow up to be the Cole Train. WHOOOOOoooooooo!!!!
I laughed pretty hard at this picture, so I thought I’d share. This was totally stolen from [Serious Eats].
Emo Cows listen to Dashboard Confessional and wear tight pants, because they know you will eat them. They are so sad, they must sport the side-swept bangs. Such furry cattle with such raw emotions.
Time to answer some emails:
Question #1:
When aiming into a urinal, what is the optimum spot in which to aim in order to create the least amount of splashback?
An interesting question that I, too, would only pose to a stranger on the internet. We must remember our high school science classes and recall the law of reflection, which states that the angle of incidence equals the angle of reflection. What does this mean to you and your stream? Jack shit. Aim straight for the mouths of your enemies and don’t look back.
Question #2:
How can I get my neighbors to help me rebuild my shared fence that was knocked down during Hurricane Ike?
Lucky for you, I am experiencing the same issue with a neighbor of mine. We lost some of our common fence and I am currently engaged in cul-de-sac warfare to resolve the issue. My plan is simple: I have adopted three of the sickest, mangiest dogs that were at the SPCA and trained them to go through the gaps in the downed fence to take care of their doggy business. Once that training was complete I began “The Diet” — I feed them nothing but week-old fish scales and warm boiled carrots. No further imagery should be necessary. I predict about one more week of canine fallout will bring about a change in my neighbors thinking and suddenly we’ll be able to share the cost of repairs.
Hurricane Ike is about 4 hours from coming onshore and I’m pretty close. It’s okay though, because I have a master plan to get the hell out of dodge. I couldn’t find any plywood to board up my windows and protect my house. I couldn’t find any gasoline to drive out of town. So it was time to get drunk and come up with a plan that would allow for both.
I found that solution. Helium gas.
As we speak I am filling my entire house with it. Once I have successfully replaced all the air in my house with helium I am riding out of this bitch like the Goodyear blimp. I’ll float the entire house out in these 40 mph winds and head north to safety. SO LONG SUCKERS!!!
and then there’s hardcore. Don’t feel like clicking? Basically, a guy jumped into the ocean and dragged a bear out of it without getting a scratch on him. If he can’t get pussy with that story, I don’t know if he has any hope left in life.
First place I’d go is a bar. “Hey everyone. Whoever has managed to drag a gigantic fucking bear to shore doesn’t need to buy the next round.”